Divorce is one of those life events that most people hope never happens, but can come seemingly out of nowhere—even for those couples who’ve been together for decades. While the divorce rate among younger couples (namely those in their 20s and 30s) has declined in recent decades, the trend appears to be reversed for older adults in their 50s and above.1
Dubbed “gray divorce,” around 36% of couples over the age of 50 divorce today—as compared to 8.7% in 1990.1 While a later-in-life break-up may come as a shock and surprise to friends or family, couples approaching or in retirement face some especially tough challenges and circumstances that younger couples may not.
Let’s take a look at why gray divorce happens and what can make it more challenging than usual for all parties involved.
Why Do Couples Tend to Get Divorced Later in Life?
While every family has its own dynamics, routines, and challenges, there are a few common reasons why couples who’ve been together for decades may choose to split later in life.2
Simply put, people change
You might have heard the old saying, “The only constant in life is change.”
People evolve over time; it’s in our nature. The spouse you may have married at 25 is going to be a very different person 30 or 40 years later. They’ll have different interests and hobbies, priorities, philosophies, and life experiences to shape who they are.
For many couples, change over time can bring them closer together—but for others, these changes can be big enough to push them apart.
Empty nest syndrome may strike
For 18+ years (more if you had multiple children), you and your spouse spent much of your time and attention on raising and caring for your children. Once the kids head off to college or settle into their first apartment, the silence in the family home can start to feel deafening. Spouses often feel like strangers once their parental duties are no longer needed, and it can be difficult to reconnect as partners.
Statistically speaking, remarriages are more likely to end in divorce
While it’s a wonderful thing to find new love after a previous marriage has ended, the data does suggest second and third marriages may be more likely to end than first marriages. Not only are remarriages less likely to last a lifetime, but those who have been married for nine years or fewer are also more likely to see their marriage end than those who’ve been together for a decade or more.3
Stress over financial issues may come to a head near or in retirement
Among those who’ve been divorced, “financial stress” is one of the top contributing factors, following closely behind issues like infidelity, arguing, and lack of compatibility.4 Considering that financial issues are a hot-button topic for marriages in general, it may come as no big shock that it remains a leading cause of divorce for those over 50.
In fact, financial stress can really reach a fever pitch in your late 50s or early 60s as you draw closer and closer to retirement. While leaving work behind is an incredibly exciting and rewarding milestone, it can also be stressful, especially for those who may not feel financially secure in their savings plan. Spouses can start to argue more about money or express different opinions about what sort of lifestyle they’d like to enjoy in retirement.
For example, one spouse may be interested in spending more of their savings in the early years to travel and pursue new hobbies, while the other may prefer to enter retirement with a more frugal mindset.
Life expectancies are increasing
In the last several decades, our life expectancies have increased and are expected to continue increasing gradually in the coming years.5 Maybe you’ve heard people declare things like, “50 is the new 30” or “60 is the new 45.” That’s because our population is living longer, and many older individuals are enjoying their second act later in life.
If someone’s been in a marriage they aren’t satisfied with, they may not wish to continue on with the marriage anymore—even if they’ve made it to retirement. They know that, statistically speaking, they could have several more decades of high-quality life to enjoy ahead.
Health concerns are split by gender
The older we get, the more likely we are to develop a chronic illness. By age 60, 94.9% of adults will be diagnosed with one health condition—though 78.7% will have at least two.6 Unfortunately, “in sickness and in health” does seem to have its limits for some married couples, and chronic illness can be a reason why older couples head for divorce.
It is worth noting, however, that some studies suggest men are more likely to initiate a divorce if their wife develops a chronic illness than if the roles are reversed.2
Social stigmas around divorce and gender roles are changing
Those who are 50 or older may have grown up in an era where men and women were assigned certain roles within the marriage—a breadwinner and a homemaker, for example. Not to mention, the stigma and shame around divorce have diminished as more people choose to pursue a path of independence, autonomy, and non-traditional gender roles.
Over the last 70 years, women's participation in the labor force has risen (though Covid did drop the number back down a bit).7 As more women enter and stay in the workforce, their financial independence grows, and older women may feel less inclined to stay in a marriage that isn’t working solely for the financial security and stability.
The Challenges of Planning Retirement with a Later-in-Life Divorce
A gray divorce can present some of the same concerns as a divorce at any age—division of property, emotional turmoil, broken family ties, etc. There are, however, a few additional challenges that can make a later-in-life divorce especially cumbersome for couples to navigate.
Challenge #1: Larger estates and more assets
The older you get, the more you tend to accumulate in your savings, brokerage accounts, retirement accounts, home equity, etc. If you and your spouse have been together for decades, your assets may be completely intertwined with one another, which can make it difficult to determine who receives what during divorce proceedings.
Challenge #2: Your retirement plan accounted for two people
When preparing for retirement as a married couple, your savings and investing goals are based on what you believe you’ll be spending together in retirement each year.
Perhaps you envisioned living in the family home (that’s already paid off), sharing one car, and leveraging your joint resources (two Social Security benefits payments, 401(k) withdrawals, perhaps a pension plan, etc.). If you and your spouse choose to divorce near or in retirement, everything changes—including what you can expect to spend in retirement and what resources you’ll be pulling from.
The extra challenge here is that you may have little (if any) time to pivot and adjust your savings strategy, which is why many people in retirement suffer financially after a divorce. In fact, women over 50 experience a 45% decline in their standard of living on average post-divorce—for men, it’s 21%.8
Challenge #3: Loneliness and isolation become greater risks to your retirement
People in retirement are already at risk of experiencing social isolation and loneliness, which can actually increase the likelihood of serious health concerns like diabetes, heart disease, depression, and dementia.9
When a couple has been together for decades, their entire social life and network of support is interwoven—from where they worship to their volunteer organizations, clubs or gym memberships, etc. Their sense of community and connectedness can often become shattered after a late-in-life divorce, meaning one or both spouses have to essentially start over in forming new bonds and friendships.
Plus, people can feel a profound sense of loss after a spouse has left their life for good—similar to a death in the family. If you’ve spent decades with another individual, losing them during retirement can intensify those feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Protect Yourself and Your Family Financially Through a Divorce
If you’re experiencing, or believe you may soon experience, a later-in-life divorce, be sure to gather a team of professionals to help you navigate this difficult process. Talk to an attorney, a financial professional, an accountant, and/or a mediator (if kids are involved) before making any major decisions or moves.
Though divorce is never easy, there are plenty of people who have gone through a gray divorce and feel happier and better for it. Just be sure to take the steps necessary to protect your financial and emotional well-being during and after the process, especially if you’re facing some of those more unique challenges mentioned above.
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